I come across so many quotes that are relevant to me...I figured I'd put them all together for the days that I really need them.  

"We don't love qualities, we love persons; sometimes by reason of their defects as well as of their qualities." - Jacques Maritain 

This and that....

It was recommended to me by a friend that I start a blog of my own...evidently I'm too full of hot air to post on her social group without throwing things seriously out of whack.  Whatever the hell whack is.  At any rate, this is my first effort, and it'll be lousy, as I've got nothing to say, but am tired of looking at this page.  All I know is that it's beautiful out, if a bit cool, and I've no idea why I'm glued to the idiot box.  Clearly the Ritalin hasn't taken effect as this post looks like bird crap on a windshield...ah well.

Sometimes the rage isn't silent....

I believe in the Divine.  A higher power, cosmic force.....I don't know what you call who you defer to, but me, I call him God.   I call on him a lot.  I call on him so much that when I do it I no longer opt for the "opening line" or "here I am again" prayer that several years of Catholic schooling hammered into my head.  That said, I marvel at his ability to forgive, and his insistence that we do the same.  It's in my effort to obey that I get derailed.  Come to find out, there's a corner of my heart that isn't so good at forgiving.  At least not for certain people.

I have what most who know me would say a "big heart", even up to the point that I make a door mat out of myself in the process of helping someone else.   I've also been told by several people through the years "you have got to be one of the most forgiving people I have ever met in my life" (head shaking, incredulous body English added for additional sincerity in the declaration)  Honestly, I hadn't noticed.  It's not a choice, it's just me.  Tear me to shreds today, and I'll still love you tomorrow, just like it never happened.  I don't know why, I'm not on a humanitarian mission or anything, or trying to set a "Gold Standard"...and it's a damned good thing, because I'm finding that when the ONE human being you should never have to be betrayed by does just that, to you and your siblings with no remorse whatsoever, utterly without conscience...behaving at every contact, via phone or otherwise, as tho she can't conceive of why there should be such a rift between herself and her children...a rift large enough that her only son addresses her by her given name.....well at least it shows that I'm not the only half of this equation that is "lacking"...
  
Someone very Spiritually wise once told me that "when you don't forgive, you block your blessings".  Thankfully I'm not greedy enough to feel like I need to do so to "get the goods".  I just know I need to....only it's like digging out a cancer with a toothpick.  I pride myself in my ability to admit when I'm wrong.  I feel like it saves a lot of hassle when you're going to find your ass in a pressure cooker over something anyway.  I like my pain all at once, thank you.  If I'm aware, it's on the table, and we move on however we need to from there.  I think therein lies the problem.  My kids "fess up".  Front and center.  It wasn't hard to teach them to do so.  Slinging more salt into the wound is the fact that the person who SHOULD be credited for teaching us our morals and personal values is self-immunized from any wrong doing.  EVER.  I mean EVER. (clearly there are more stories to tell re that one....but all in due time)  The fact that I have made an effort to communicate with you again in an attempt to "sort it out in my head between me and God" doesn't furnish me with the self control I need to choke down the acid in my stomach that I get every time my phone rings and your name is on the caller ID.  You see, you lost the right to the chatty "mother daughter" conversations when you allowed your greedy self serving nature to over rule whatever motherly instincts may have been tucked away in your version of a psyche. (we've all tried to rationalize it....failed...all of us.  Maybe if we weren't parents ourselves...maybe..)  As an aside, even when we were children, and needed it you never "fought for us...stood up for us...backed us when you knew we were right and needed your 'validation'".  Yet you resent the role your own mother played in our lives....can't quite figure that one out either.  Off track again there, sorry....you see, I don't CARE how your day is going.  You rescinded your right to access that part of my heart a long time ago, and honestly, I should have shut it down when you showed your colors the first time.  Trouble is, it wasn't "done unto" me and I was blinded by my loyalty although you were far less worthy of it.  I'm ashamed of myself for that..probably always will be, but thank GOD I have since mended fences with the only brother I have who thankfully forgives me my misguided intentions. You sure did try hard as hell to keep that separation hale and hearty, didn't you?  What kind of mother lies to one child about another to foster ill feelings???  Really, truly....I know the reason behind the clingy chatty phone calls.  You've driven off every friend you've ever had between your wailing hypochondria, perpetual Utopian man hunt....hell just that is enough.  I'm not your friend.  I don't see how I ever could be.  I'm BLESSED to be able to consider MY daughter my friend.  But I EARNED that right by ensuring that she knows I'll fight a damned tiger on her behalf if I need to. "NO Momma, PLEASE don't come over here...it's going to be ok, I just needed to talk to you"  Maybe if we'd have had the luxury of that confidence, borne of blood and the **usually fierce maternal instinct** when we were growing up you would have had a leg to stand on.(no time! no time! Needa man! Gotta find a man!)

 Additionally, I know that you don't care for my personality either, and that's ok too.  Here is my take on the ever present friction due to our personality differences in general...
While you may have contributed to half of my genetic code, that does not give you the right to impose your opinion of what YOU think my personality, disposition, hair color or any other damned thing should be.   Here's a summary, since you still haven't gotten it in 47 years.   I am blunt.  I'm brutally honest.  At least you don't have to guess what I'm thinking. (and worse yet, wait for a screwing!) I am fiercely loyal. (look up loyal, I'm not sinking that low)  I love unconditionally, up to the point that you have sucker punched me so many times that the delirium from it alone makes me step back and take a hard look.  It takes me that long to catch my head and "love from a distance".   I learn slow sometimes.   I also have a brain that churns 110 mph all day, every day.  One of the kids I was in school with said that I probably think in my sleep.  Some days I'd be inclined to agree with her.  I'm a walking encyclopedia.  There are those that appreciate that about me, those that resent it, and those who will never in a million years admit to how glad they are that it is so.  All that time I spend on "that FN computer"(we know you didn't say THAT, F word is beneath you, I know...but when you make a life long practice of F-N people, you might ought to learn to at least tolerate it)....well you see, the only game I have installed on this thing is Mahjong, and I can't tell  you the last time I even played that.  My time is spent educating myself by my God given curiosity.....if I weren't online I'd be forever parked in the library...remember those days?   Damn.  Digressing...I'm good at it.  At any rate, you take my insatiable thirst for learning, mix it up with my inherited intolerance for stupid shit (thanks Daddy!), toss in  the blunt and honest on top of it for a little texture and you get a distinct personality clash. (your words) You see, I don't live a fairy tale...where everyone is supposed to furnish my needs and livelihood (where the hell you got that from, as hard as Granny and Grandpa worked, I'll never know...but you're not the lone passenger on that train as we know). I'm not on a hunt for the next jackass I can marry so I can climb on my princess throne and be worshipped. I have a distinct sense of right and wrong.  Not many gray areas there, and they don't suddenly turn gray when I need justification for my misdeeds.  I just don't screw people.  Simple enough.   That combination can be a blessing or a curse, depending on...say...oh, whatever mood you're in, how much you insist on asserting your "righteous authority" or hormone surges, whatever the flake of the day may be. (sorry for the thinly disguised rage, I'm still working on that, it's hard to do when you're still swimming in Lake Shitabounding.) I am also my father's child.  He was far from perfect.  You told me, remember, in keeping with the "it's always someone else's fault" theme.  I bet God loved him anyway, and still does.  I didn't walk in his shoes, so that's all I can say about that.  Being my father's child makes me hard headed, determined, and strong as a bull ox.  Thank GOD.  If I'd lacked that AND the skill that would have allowed me to shamelessly F people as you do, I'd not have survived for long I think.  Seems like you need to be one or the other, strong or a scam.  Praise God for strength.   The one constant "mother figure" in our lives taught us our sense of right and wrong, built our character and carved us into fairly decent human beings, most days, anyway.  We all have our shortcomings, and if I forget mine, I know I can call you so you can point them out, and tell me other mundane crap like how many beans you put into the pot and how many times you shook the salt shaker over the pot and how you held your mouth when you were doing it.  No doubt you'll include how you moved crap from one shelf to another under the guise of cleaning out your meticulously kept "hoarder heaven"....yeah...all of that I can count on for sure.  If I had to live in a fantasy world, I'd pick Disney over your gig any day.  At least that would spare my kids from the shame of being asked "which husband was that"? (WHO'S your daddy?).  Yeah, I know "people can be so petty"....maybe so...but you're not exactly feeling the "petty" when you're in a crowded restaurant in a small town, at a big table loaded with people who didn't need access to your skeletons in the first place.  Character building I guess...
And back to where I started....thank you God for loving me as I am...I know some dents were easier than others to "pull out"...and others are going to take a good bit more work.  I'm trying.  I promise.